June 15 – July 31, 2002
| What needs to happen |
4:25 PM 7/31/2002
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So here’s a list of stuff that’s going on. I feel like it’s eternally on my plate (I mean, just how long have I been working on Venture in some form, anyway?), and having it out on the page to look at for a couple of days can’t hurt things. Thoughts and feelings on this stuff on my board can’t hurt, either, so hit me there and help me out.
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| floating… |
9:27AM 07/31/2002
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| La Leggenda floats onwards. I float with it. Yesterday turned out pretty well, after a tough morning getting into the groove. Things with Katie turned out okay (as they tend to do, you know?), which is good because the little thing coming up would have been utterly spoiled otherwise. Also, I was freaking out in the afternoon, missing my friends and wanting to talk to people, and suddenly, by pure fortune, Kurt, Scott, Kara & Russ all posted on my board. I even got one of my first spams, based, it would seem, wholly on messages on the board about fake IDs and, more exactly, about identity building. It’s cool to get a little spam. That’s enough for now. I’m getting ideas, though, so look out for another update soon. |
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| as it so often happens… |
10:27PM 07/29/2002
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| …I left Katie tonight (this time in Bryant Park watching a movie) and I’m miserable. Again, I find myself wondering what it is that makes me repeat this cycle of unhappiness and unfulfilled potential. Whatever the outcome of this (and can it be good?) tonight left me with a particularly bad taste in my mouth, both figuratively, for what it means, and literally. Blech. Anyway, I was talking to–or e-mailing with–Kara today (she’s insightful about affairs of the heart and has ideas that I like to listen to) and we got to talking about feeling like you’re often at -1 at the end of a fight, issue, whatever. It’s like, there’s just long enough for your standards to readjust to this new, lower number, when there’s another incident. It begs the question, how long until the total of the relationship is zero? Negative? Man. That stuff was mainly about her situation and past situations, but at the moment, it seems very relevant to my current situation. Maybe I’m just being weird and dramatic, but I’m not over-reacting, this much I’m sure of. How to bring it up without invoking a negative or defense posture is an entirely different matter, and one that weighs heavily with me. I’m tired, but I know I can’t sleep–maybe I should just close my eyes and have the demons let themselves out. |
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| my first weekend |
3:20PM 07/28/2002
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| wow. umm, so this weekend has been, thus far, the antitheses of everything I’ve come to expect from a weekend, with the slight exception of the frustration and failure on the motorcycle front. It almost feels like the first time I’ve even HAD a weekend in months. Not that it’s been enough (not by a long shot), but it has been nice to be able to chill for, so far, a day and a half. I haven’t had to *do* anything this weekend. It’s been wonderful. Secondarily, I haven’t gone anywhere, I’ve barely answered the phone, I’ve avoided most forms of human contact. honestly, it’s making me feel a little weird, but I’m not craving conversation the way I usually do on a Sunday afternoon. I have to leave the house to go do laundry, and I’ve even been putting that off as long as I can. At the moment, I’m in the middle of a long-postponed cleaning of my room, which I hope will culminate in a vacuuming of the living room and hallway, and maybe even a wash of the kitchen floor. At the very least, I’ve cleaned this room and now I’m taking in hand some tasks that I’ve been avoiding for far too long. I haven’t done any writing, really, but that’s not necessariy a bad thing–this weekend has been all about purge. A little working out wouldn’t hurt, either. I’m SO distracted and scattered, I don’t know what’s with me. It’s a little like I’m suffering some sort of withdrawl or something–I wonder if it’s symptoms of over-saturation still coming out of my system. Whatever it is, it’s not like me and I don’t like it. At the moment, I’m looking ahead to whatever time that I can get my life in hand, start working out again (just a little bit, purely for maintenance at the moment–I haven’t worked out in a million years and I miss it). Although I haven’t nailed down a schedule yet, I feel like knowing that it’s time to change some things is a good initial step. Along the same lines, I have to stop spending so damn much money. Overpaying when people don’t offer enough money for their part of the bill avoids confrontation, but it’s time to stop that practice, for sure. Interestingly, I can remember exactly when this habit started–pinocchio’s in 11th grade. What a mess. Time to break that habit, I guess. Anyway, there’s more to say (isn’t there always?), but I’m going A.D.D. again and I feel the need to complete the damn work on my room. This place really needs an overhaul, and I don’t want to quit while I’m doing so well. |
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| drama, drama, drama… |
12:29PM 07/27/2002
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| Yeah. Last night started out well and ended up lame. The thing that worries me about it, really, is that we didn’t talk about it, we just aired our differences of opinion and called it a night. That was a problem because what’s to keep it from happening again? Besides, now our respective friends have had to take sides. That can cause more trouble than it can solve–ask me how I know. Whatever happened, it’s over now, and I’m putting it out of my mind with the wonderful world of Motorcycle maintenance. Okay, so the world ain’t so wonderful there, but at least machines are easier to understand than women. There are things that can go wrong, things that can get screwed up, but mainly they can be fixed and the machine doesn’t hold a grudge or even hold on to the memory of the problem. That’s a nice feeling. I think I should stay home and write today, but I’m not feeling much like being lonely. Damn dichotomy. I’ll write more later, I think–there seems to be a lot to say. |
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| dissatisfied? demanding? |
11:59AM 07/26/2002
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| what the hell am I? it’s an interesting thought, though, because I’ve been single for so long and as I look at things that are happening now, I wonder if there aren’t correlations that I never noticed before. I haven’t been unhappy being single–this much is true, but it’s an interesting thought. I mean, I thought I had it down until now, you know? It’s like, I don’t want anyone close because I might move, I don’t want anyone close until I can get comfortable with the idea that they will never know my dad (will I ever get comfortable with that?), and maybe now there’s a whole new, un-explored issue. Maybe I’m setting my sights too high to help facilitate the distance issue. Whatever it is, there’s something here to be considered. Now, after all that, I’m a happy guy. Things are going pretty well in my life, I’m lucky to be cared about, thought of, and generally included in the lives of great people. Whatever my problems are, they are mine and mine alone. Also, if Kurt ever returns from South Carolina, I’ll have to get with him about Venture. If I can ever figure out the minutia of starting a production budget, I’ll do that, too. The issue is this: everyone says different things. I have to start with a budget to get a schedule, or vice-versa. I have to have a target amount to get a budget, or I have to have a budget to have any idea what I’ll spend on the film. And everyone has such experience. What a pain in my arse. Anyway, I’m making things up as I go along, I’ve got a ridiculously simplistic spreadsheet at the moment that promises to get a shitload more complex, but it isn’t Movie Magic, which everyone here loves. I’d love to get my hands on a copy, but it’s scarce, so i search in vain. Anyway, things are happening–it’s a matter of time and effort when they coalesce. My budget is coming down (i mean, really), and my expectations are going up, which puts me much more squarely in the low-budget asshole producer camp. Now, if only I had some money. Think it might also be important to figure out how these movies get distribited? Whatever. That’s tomorrow’s question. |
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| leaks in the dam |
8:29AM 07/24/2002
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| I feel like I talked a lot last night. If *I* feel like I talked a lot, Mike must have been dying. But for the first time in awhile, I was getting the rush from creativity, letting my imagination work, feeling out a couple of new ideas and a score of old ones. I’m excited by the fact that I know people that are capable of doing lots of things that I’m not, capable of filling in my holes and weaknesses, capable of helping complete the puzzle of my life. It’s nice. I don’t want to rush things, so I’m taking it easy, not letting my imagination get too out of control. I am renewed, however, in my desires to keep things moving, keep in touch with the people working with me. Sooner or later, this dam has to break and I can start really creating again. |
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| I have some money now. |
11:26AM 07/23/2002
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| USAA finally got and deposited my checks. This doesn’t make my bike work or my stories write themselves, but it does take a load off my mind. My landlords, however, haven’t cashed my last month’s rent check, so there’s more than $500 of the $900 I was waiting on to pull me out of arrears already accounted for. I think I need to confront them about this tonight. I wonder if Mike would know whether his check has been cashed. I’m not quite flush yet, but things are a little better. Now, once I get my Dime account back in order (living day-to-day from that has been stressful), things will be okay again. My log needs more pictures. What do you suggest I do about that? Tonight is all about cleaning up, getting things back together, maybe eating out with Mike to catch up. It’s good to be here at Cinergy so far. Cross your fingers for continued goodness. |
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| “It has begun!” |
1:06PM 07/22/2002
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| Shang Tsung would be proud–it really has begun. Not that starting a new gig is anything like being on a mysterious sailing ship heading for a life-or-death tournament of fighting or anything, but it’s still new and different, and that’s a good thing at this point. Thus far, everything that I’ve been told checks out completely (the office is loud), so I’m not shocked yet. Yesterday, my motorcycle decided not to shift anymore, which almost completely ruined my day (we didn’t get to go to Coney Island and get hot dogs, for example), but I managed to internalize the pain (always a healthy alternative, I know) and become social-Matt again, which was good because then Katie and I managed to make a good, if uninspired diner and sit on the roof and drink some wine and chat. I came to realize that one of my old favorite topics of conversation (anyone want to make a guess) loses its luster once everyone has made up his or her mind that there are limits and rules and that the world is no longer fluid. Before we thought that we knew everything, anything was possible and I liked that. I miss that nowadays, and I know that I’m at least as guilty as the next guy of this conceit, and I try to get around it. There’s just something about comfort that makes things easier, but it’s that comfort that destroys innovation or experimentation. Whatever’s eating at me is bigger than that, I’ll wager, but I think I can define it in time. I’ve been writing this over the 5 hours I’ve already been at work, so I think it’s time to get the hell outta this update and post it already. Talk back to me. |
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| on the bad days, it rains. |
6:52PM 07/19/2002
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| On the really bad days, it rains hard. Today, right now, it’s coming down in sheets. My bank has lost $900 worth of paycheck that was supposed to be there 2 weeks ago, my rent check has almost certainly bounced, I’ve spent the day oscillating between irritation and sadness that my investment in people hasn’t been seeming to pay off in any meaningful way. It’s weird, and it’s drama, and that makes it obnoxious, but it’s happening, uninvited, so what am i going to do? Anyway, it’s almost time to go back into the city (after a 6-hour foray there earlier to return a car), this time to get one of Drew’s friends who is supping uptown before she comes down here. I would like to avoid a repeat of the incident from earlier that involved Katie’s car being rear-ended if it’s at all possible, because no matter who’s involved, it’s irritating and time consuming and stressful to be in an accident of any type, especially on the West Side Highway. What else to say? Nothing, I guess, nothing at the moment. I’m feeling an honest-to-god long-assed rant coming on, though, about how demanding I am, whether it’s too demanding, whether there are too many people in my life who all hold but tangential meaning to me, and what it all means to my current situation. I guess it’s just been a long time since I’ve let anyone in (or even entertained the notion of letting anyone in, which is, I guess, what I’m doing now), and when it turns out badly, it makes me want to close back up again and never come out. Ahh, whatever, ignore me. If it comes, I’ll be sure to clearly mark the rant so you can skip over it to the salacious gossip that I will provide at the end. I wish I had salacious gossip. Bye. |
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| again, so much to say, so little time. |
10:42AM 07/19/2002
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| I’m looking up a system for Drew, I have to go return the car to Budget in the city, maybe buy new shoes, look into my banking situation, and get everything there straightened out. All today. Oh, and I have to go to the mayor’s office. I did manage to see Megan last night, which ruled, and Drew came up and Katie came over–all good things. I’m also unemployed today (finally), which is a wonderful thing, too. I have to go food shopping today because I’m out of food completely, which isn’t so bad, unless you consider that I’ve got company and I have to spend the days here and abouts. Anyway, lots to talk about, no time to talk about it. I WILL update again soon with more. |
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| the prodigal returns |
10:20PM 07/16/2002
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| so i’m planning to write this until either A) Melody calls to talk about work/script, or B) I am too tired to continue coherently any more. I’m betting B happens first because I’m pretty tired. So this weekend turned out pretty well, all except for the end. I was thinking that Long Island would be Ohio-with-Kim-Webb family relations crossed with new-kid-at-school social weirdness, but it was much better than that. A happened. I’ll be talking to Melody now. Then I’ll go to sleep. |
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| it finally started. |
7:30PM 07/12/2002
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| I need this weekend. Who knows how it’ll go? Long Island? Philly? Bay Ridge? NYC? Where’s the spot? Is it wrong of me to want sushi tonight? Put this into your pipe before you reply: I have no money. And my rent check may bounce. And I have to travel. Damn. What music will help me to usher in the weekend? Something with angst, I think. It smells good in this place–someone is barbeque-ing at the moment. Mmmm. and this background color is going to suck. I need to write a ‘preview’ function and maybe a color palette into this script. Oh, to have time. I remember the days. |
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| ENTJ… |
9:11AM 07/12/2002
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| over at humanmetrics, I’m listed as an ENTJ. I’m 67%E, 22%N (although this was significantly higher 2 days ago when I took the test), 56%T and 22%J. I don’t know what it all means, because looking at the descriptions on Typelogic.com, I do fit into the description pretty much, but then again, I also fit into much of what’s written for other people. It’s like horoscopes, I guess, where you have to be vague in order to encompass everyone. Whatever, it’s an interesting thing. If you take the test, tell me what you were rated on the board. | |
| man. |
5:32PM 07/11/2002
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| you’d think that it’d be almost too late to appreciate, but I LOVE having internet at my desk. It was just a twist of fate and my love for hubs and wiring that allowed it, but now that it’s here, I’m taking advantage and using Gnutella. Woo-hoo! Anyway, now I can get in some trouble. bye. |
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| So this post is mainly about Rich. |
9:15AM 07/11/2002
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| I’ve been called on calling him a “generally good guy,” so I promised a post all about him. First of all, Rich worked in the Art Department until today. This was his last day, though, so he’ll no longer be around for me to bother. And, boy, how I bothered him. But that’s okay, I bother most everyone. Second of all, he *didn’t* die in a car crash on the way to the wrap party. This might seem obvious to some of you, but trust me, it’s not. Assume NOTHING. Third of all, his “wrap comments” about me (of which there may not even have BEEN any) aren’t on display for me to read and comment on, so I think I’m doing pretty well. Anyway, wrap comments are something like “I didn’t let him make me call him Rearden so he turned out to be okay.” They’re sort of a thing that the two centers of the Art Department universe (Rich and Derek, of course) do to sum people up into a couple of sentences.So I like Rich. Maybe he’ll draft on ORAL PLEASURES, but I’m not sure how much drafting goes into a 1/4 mil movie, considering that I’ll likely have to find locations. Lastly, I’ll call him “potentially awesome” but I won’t tell you where I got that phrase. It’s a good phrase.I’m ass-exhausted, but I’m looking forward to hanging out with Megan tonight. I haven’t hung out with her in a long-ass time, and she’s like an anchor for me. There aren’t enough anchors in my life, you know? I’ve got precious few, and I feel like a lot of my older ones are drifting away. Geh. Onwards–let’s finish this work thing and get the hell outta here. editor’s note: this post was finished last night, but I didn’t have time to post it. Damn dialups. |
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| when… |
7:52AM 07/10/2002
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| man, things just haven’t been going swimmingly the last coupla’ days at ALL. I’ll prepare a better update soon. Cross your fingers for Nana–serious surgery today. Thinking about you, Nan. |
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| the problem with being coerced into having conversations |
10:39PM 07/08/2002
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| is that the outcome is never 100% positive. Interestingly enough, it was my own counter-logic that allowed me to give in at the end, because i’m telling myself that no matter what it’s called, the action, not the terminology, defines the product. If I’m being too vague, stop reading, cause you’re not getting any more specificity out of me at the moment. I’m not the right man for this specific job, and it’s not the right time for the duty either, but if the end result was happiness (if not mine, then someone’s), I guess all’s well. Whatever. They want me to work next week after specifically telling me that I’m finished this Friday–what a pain in the ass. No matter what, I want to exit this thing with some grace, and that means no accusations and a mature solution. I wonder how that’s going to go down. I Xeroxed (I like using that word) the pages for Issue 4 today (a blast from the past–yes, I DID just talk about VENTURE), and they psyched me up for this whole thing again. Now, if there was only a way for me to transfer my confidence and excitement to Kurt…. Oh well–I have to go the hell to sleep. |
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| has it been that long? |
7:09PM 07/07/2002
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| someday, when I look back on all of this, it’s going to make a lot of sense. I keep telling myself that. At the moment, it feels a little like an unspooling cinema reel, but that’s just the way things go, i guess. Anyway, I just go back from my mom’s place, where my brother and sister were having a joint graduation party, complete with some relatives, some friends, and a total stranger or two (there was at least someone that one of them didn’t know). It was a good party. I found out that stormy had to be put to sleep last week, immediately after my family’s return from Disney world. It’s a shame–apparently something was wrong with her liver and she couldn’t eat, couldn’t process foods or liquids properly, and was just all-around fucked up. That’s pretty lame. I mean, it’s just a dog, but she was a good dog, and we loved her. Stormy, you’ll be missed. Anyway, it was a short-lived trip to philly, but just long enough to make sure that I didn’t get too comfortable. I got back today in time to catch Minority Report and do laundry, both before I’m supposed to meet with Melody (who will, no doubt, have eaten and NOT want to get food with me) about the upcoming flick. I’ll also pass off to her a copy of my screenplay, and hopefully have an extra that I can copy tomorrow at work a couple of times for other unsuspecting victims. Is it possible to move a script from MSWord format to Final Draft format without an assload of reformatting problems? I think I have to deal with that soon, as there are people that really like them the Final Draft, and those people don’t really compromise. Whatever the issue, I have to do a bunch of things, one of which is write checks for my damn bills. I need a paycheck or two like mad, and I’m just spending money like it’s going out of style. it’s almost a shame, only it’s not. I’ll keep you updated. |
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| wow… |
8:11AM 07/04/2002
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| “if you run a sit like that, what’s the use in pulling punches?” An interesting quote from Rich, generally good guy who failed to make it to our wrap party last night, even after wandering around making sure that everyone would be there. I hope he didn’t crash his car last night or nothin’. Anyway, I’m more weirded out than normal because I can’t figure out why I’m doing what I’m doing. There was a time during which I would analyze a situation and deny it if its potential for trouble was greater than its potential for gain. Now, I’m directly-the-fuck on the fence about some small (but perhaps key) issues and I can’t figure out at all why a decision hasn’t been made FOR me by now. I mean, when you seem to have nothing in common with someone, what’s left? I know that for my part, I have an insatiable curiosity for why people are the way they are (armchair psych anyone?) and an unquenchable need to be with people. Those qualities (problems?) seem to excuse ME, but when I think about it from the other perspective and I think about what I’m bringing to the table, I sort of come up empty. I mean, not that I’m having a crisis of ego or anything (god forbid, can you imagine that?), because I know that I have a lot to bring to the table, but it’s like I’m a butcher offering tasty filets and top rounds to a vegetarian who just doesn’t need what I’m selling. Does that make sense? Whatever. Anyway, some issue and embarassment was avoided yesterday in the discovery of my website, although I have but a week to go. It could have been awkward explaining my way out of whatever bullshit inflammatory statements that I may or may not have made. See the opening quote, though, for a truism. And fuck it all. Love me or hate me, don’t read if you don’t want to be offended. I think I need to start scanning a photo of the week for this site–it could use some more interesting stuff. The board is pretty good, actually. Check it out. |
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| and now it’s 5:45 am |
5:44AM 07/01/2002
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| I’ve been at work for an hour fifteen, and I’m just now realizing that it’s damn early. Anyway, yesterday, I talked to Melody, and I think that I’m going to be APOC on her next movie, slated to start in a few weeks. That is uber-cool. Today is also her birthday, so wish her a good one when you see her. Anyway, the day is starting and I had to post my old update and then post this one, but now I’m off to surf the web like a good boy. Then, in about 30 minutes, real work starts. Bleh. |
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| belated updates – from Friday last |
5:39AM 07/01/2002
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| remember how I thought I might not use my days to the fullest when I did have them off? Yeah. Well, that was yesterday. I know that it was only one day and that I could well use the relaxation, but I feel like I haven’t done anything worthwhile (written anything, shot anything, *made* anything) for an immensely long time. It’s strange, because as little actual good as my creating things does, it makes me feel good, and it’s that satisfaction that I miss. I do think that there’s some legitimacy to the idea of having no time affect your creative flow, too, even though I think that most of the time, “having no time” is grossly exaggerated and total bullshit. Even in my case, I know that I DO have some time (on the subway, days off) when I could work on my stuff. I think in my case, it just takes some getting used to the schedule. Then the creativity comes back with a vengance. When that happens (*if* it happens before this gig is up in a couple of weeks), I’ll be even more tired than usual from staying up later and expending more energy to create. Boy, will I be able to complain a lot then, huh? | |
| damn! |
6:12AM 06/30/2002
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| It’s been quite awhile, huh? I’ve been so exhausted this weekend that I couldn’t bring myself to sit at teh computer–I had to go straight to bed and that hasn’t even helped much. It’s not easy working split weeks, especially when the weekends are still so busy. Anyway, last night was out with Russ and Katie and her friends Amy and Katherine. I couldn’t remember the great idea that I had had earlier (like two weeks ago) to tell Russ, but then, yesterday, I did. Thank god. Yesterday was another hard day–another solid 15 hours, I was in before and left after our coordinator, and that was just rough because of how much less I’m making. But last night (after work) was fun because I got to see Melody and Julie and my roommate, estranged though he may be. So this morning, despite coming in again just before one, I’m in a good mood and happy to face the day. Only this, I’m hoping that it’s an early day. I have this harebrained scheme about computers for the Italian job (which hasn’t happened yet officially, and might not happen at all) that I would like to research, and ideas to write down that I would LOVE to have time to put on paper. Also, getting some sleep would be key. I have an update on mo lappie that I haven’t posted yet because I’ve been so busy, so I’ll try to get to that today, too. That sounds like a good idea to me. |
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| working late into the night |
11:51PM 06/26/2002
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| means that I’ll be driving my bike home late and alone. Maybe I can drive fast, considering that no one else should be on the road at that hour. I can hope. Then I can sleep in. As long as it’s not too hot. Maybe it’s time to install the innefectual air conditioner. Someone should get some use out of it. Anyway, I’ve been way downtown a lot lately, and I didn’t realize how much it looks like just about any major port city in the world. It’s interesting, because I don’t think about the way the financial district looks from within it, just from across the river or from the top of the WTC. It’s kinda cool looking, though. I liked it. Anyway, tonight’s night shoot has commenced, and I’m just starting to feel tired, so I’m going to cut this short while it’s still vaguely sane. I’m sure it only gets worse from here. Thanks for reading. |
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| so much to say |
11:43PM 06/25/2002
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| I’ve actually been spending a lot of time with Katie recently (Katie from work, Katie), and having a good time doing it. It makes me wish that I didn’t have massive time committments to work, because I forgot how much fun it was to live a normal life that involves going out with friends and meeting new people. In other news, I got the tire fixed on my bike (we’ll see if it holds), replaced the clutch lever and got a helmet net for it. It was good. Anyway, I did some general maintenance and found out why the choke lever wasn’t working (rotted metal cable, actually), and couldn’t figure out the horn for the life of me. I mean, I found that the switch was disconected, but the button is also stuck in. It would help me to know what a not-broken switch looked like, but, failing that, I’d take an assembly that was a little easier to put together. Whatever. Well, it’s getting late and I’m tired. There is a mad-late call tomorrow (7PM!?!?!), and I’m in at noon, so I can sleep in a little. We’ll see what happens with that. |
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| playing catch-up |
8:19AM 06/23/2002
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| it’s hard when there are a ton of things on my mind, but simply no time to put them all down on paper. It’ll be harder, though, when i DO manage to get some time (a weekend, maybe???) and then I don’t take absolutely fullest advantage of it. That’ll embarass me. I have lots of things to say to the replies to my “how do we know we exist?” question, I have photos to take (I even have some ideas again–isn’t that refreshing?) and I have stories to tell. But now I have work to attend. I’ll see you around. I’m taking the laptop, just in case there’s a moment today, so look out for the keyboard cowboy. |
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| I’m tired… |
8:19AM 06/22/2002
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| Man. For reason of not sleeping, I’m REALLY tired today. I’m hoping that it’s going to be a short day, but I honestly doubt that it will be. It’s saturday and I’m at work, which sucks, but that’s okay, because I need the money, the work, and the experience. That’s the important thing. I’m updating from work today, which rules. |
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| my roommate watches Blind Date |
11:17PM 06/20/2002
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| and I find myself wishing that I could watch her ‘post-date wrap up’ after the one I just went on. We talked easily and freely for a few hours (like, what, three?) while nursing sangria, and at the end, I got no vibe at all. Whatever it was, I must not have done it for her in some way. Maybe I wasn’t as cute as I seemed at the bar when we first met. Maybe I said something that set her ‘creep-detector’ off, even though I was careful to keep most of my perverted thoughts off my lips. Whatever it was, I got the ‘I’m not interested, but you’re a nive guy,’ vibe. That happens with conservative girls that like me sometimes, but somehow, she doesn’t seem to fit the mold that I expect that sort of behavior from. But, hey, at least she called me back when we first talked. All in all, it wasn’t a bad date. Now it’s time to go to sleep because I have an 8:30 call tomorrow, even though I’m used to getting to work at like 1 now. I think I’ll drive, but we’ll see how much time i have. Anyway, tomorrow is friday, and it seems that I won’t be going out again. Oh, sad day. Ah well. At least I got out tonight. And I think I’ll try to get a couple of kids to go to something at Culture Club next week, though we’ll have to see. My ideas are really running away with me now. I’ve got to write some of them down. |
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| “time to make the donuts…” |
11:18AM 06/19/2002
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| Man, I’m sounding like a broken record. But it’s true. There are interesting things going on inside my head, but they all have to stay there because I haven’t the time to lay them on paper. Maybe that’s better, because then only the strong ones will float to the top, letting the weaker ones get buried in the sea of ideas. Then again, there will probably be that one really bad idea that makes up for its badness by being persistent as hell. Damn bad ideas. Why must they plague me? | |
| Time to go to work… |
11:22AM 06/18/2002
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| I just talked to Joe Blandy–man, it’s been awhile since we talked last. He’s working with his dad now, and is interested in getting the tech side of things running at Stoney Bank Nurseries. That’s good for them, and it’ll be nice to have another web page in active development again. Late calls suck, especially when they’re not late enough to be night calls. When your morning starts in the afternoon, it’s a hard day to figure out. Anyway, I sent an e-mail to the techlist, and hopefully that’ll get moving shortly, too. |
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| my day off |
10:36PM 06/17/2002
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| I worked on my farmer’s tan. I saw Megan. I saw THE BOURNE IDENTITY. I saw Melody for about three minutes. I slept late and did laundry. I did not clean. I lost phone tag with Ali (can I call her that?), which was actually good. I didn’t spend all day in the house, which is what I probably should have done. That’s okay, though. I got a lot accomplished. Sort of. Call time tomorrow is 1pm. That should be a late night. I wish there would be a 10am show of BAD COMPANY somewhere, because it’d be cool to see that, finally. Maybe as call times get later. Anyway, it was good to be off. |
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| I think it’s a good thing that I don’t spend a lot of time alone. |
11:02PM 06/15/2002
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| “Saturday night, and you’re still hanging around….” My mind seems to wander off into really weird sorts of tangents when I spend a lot of time by myself–it’s almost disturbing. I wonder if it’s not some natural backlash to the narrowmindedness that seems to pervade the world in which I spend most of my time, and if it wouldn’t normalize somehow after some extended period of reflection. I feel very strongly some things that are missing from my life at the moment, and I wonder how these play into my mindsets as well. Tomorrow is father’s day, and I miss my dad quite a bit, but more than that, I feel for the rest of my family who suffers each in his or her own way alone tomorrow (and every day). I miss Cape Cod at the moment, and I wonder whether I can recapture it someday, whether it will be there to recapture, even, or if such an experience went extinct with the setting sun of our annual visits. Cape Cod was always important to me, always made me feel grounded, from as far back as I can remember writing journals of any sort. I miss close friendships I once enjoyed, once took for granted, even, and I’m not sure where that leaves me, but casting about aimlessly. This is how people get hurt, I think. I’m not looking for any of that, anyway. Sorry for the weirdness, but I’m tired, I guess, and as I said, I get weird when I’m by myself. |
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