When its kinda late and im feeling weirdly uncomfortable in my skin (or in my place and station, which is what that really means for me), I often wonder what the people that i know are doing. I wonder what people I used to know are doing, wherever they are. As I get older, the list of people i used to know gets longer and longer, so I have to lie awake wondering about them longer, too. Its weird, I know, but I never promised you normalcy. I mean, in some ways, talking to Joe today got me feeling nostalgic–we talked more today than we have in years, and even though it was about work only, hearing his voice for such a long time in a row somehow got into my head, I think, and helped push these thoughts to the surface. Talking to Kara tonight helped, too.
Its interesting imagining what people do when Im doing things that I do on a regular basis. i wonder if what Im doing is something that, were someone to think about it, would be easy to correctly guess. Like, when I think about what someone I used to spend time with all the time in middle and high school is doing now, even though I havent seen him in years, I can base a pseudo-educated guess on the kind of person I knew him to be and the way similar people in my life are acting now. then i draw some conclusions. i think that my activities (were they not meticulously laid bare here for all to see) are pretty easy to guess based on my history, but I dont feel that way about everyone I used to know. I guess enough time has passed that a lot of things could have changed by now, a lot of variables might have been introduced, making guessing impossible (some would say futile, but they dont understand my fascination with the whys of my mind).
so, in the spirit of the moment, Im asking you: what are you doing tonight? Anything you wish to share? Something? Nothing? Some nothing? No something? Im just wondering. I mean, someone here has to be working. Its only 9:30 in california, I mean, a couple of people I know could just be getting off from work. A bunch of people are probably drinking (it is, after all, Friday night)–I bet thats the most popular choice at the moment. some people might be watching a movie (maybe?) and some people are probably in bed (sleeping, fucking, take your pick). I wonder if someone I know or used to know is having a memorable night, making some small personal history or milestone while the time ticks by in Brooklyn. I wonder a lot of things, I guess. I do try not to burden you with all of them, though.
What am I doing besides writing in this journal? Nothing. Not working or drinking, Im not watching a movie or in bed. Im just thinking. Wondering. Pondering. Im wishing, too. Wishing is a good pastime. But wishes dont come true if you talk about them (or else youve verballized yet another way to get disappointed, depending on how cynical your take on the whole fate issue), so Ill quit here. Sorry to bother you–thanks for reading.