So i havent given up. I havent lost my focus. I havent started to doubt my chosen field. I dont hate working on movies. Not at all. What my problem is is more that I feel like Im stagnant, like Im not going anywhere good, anyway, and thats almost as bad as actual failure. In my world, stagnation is the only form of failure because theres kind of no failure because unless youve succeeded, youre already in dead-center loser-land. Like, unless you make it 100%, you fail, because no matter what anyone says, being a PA, working “in the industry” whatever, isnt shit compared to the dream of actually “making it.” And by “making it,” i mean making something. Something of my own design. Something that I have personal investment in. To pilot your own ship is to succeed. Anything else is to fail–plain and simple.
And right about now, with my upcoming job being on the chopping block, its beginning to feel like Im actually stagnant. I freaked out a little. I admit it. But if freaking out helped to light (re-light?) a fire beneath me to get my shit together on Oral Pleasures, keep looking, keep trying, keep straining, then so be it. I try to keep the drama in my life to a minimum, so i forgive myself the occasional outburst.
Lastly, I know a lot of amazing people. People who are good at what they do, people who are good at what they dont yet do. I want to count myself among them, but to do so, I have to prove to myself occasionally that I am good at what I want to do. Thats not easy because its such a weird thing to want to do, but there are ways. Working is one of those ways. Shooting is another. Writing even counts, although less than Id like it to.