Im not ready to move.
I mean, Im packing and packing, but it takes so long and so much
energy and unexpected emotional energy, and in my current mindset, it
all just seems like too much. Im sitting here at my computer
with only one monitor (the other two are broken down and sitting in the
living room) and looking around me at all the minutia for which I dont
have a place, and wondering what the heck Im going to do with all of
it. I keep running across stuff that I havent seen or thought
about since I moved in and thinking "jeez, what am I doing with
this?" and then finding myself unable to throw it away because, well,
just because. Its weird. Ive already thrown away stuff
thats not in my nature to toss, but Im keeping other things, and I
dont know why. I already regret losing much of what Im throwing away,
and I guess Im just hoping that I wont miss it after a little while,
or that I wont look back when Im out of the woods and think "Gee, it
would be nice to have…". Then again, you cant keep everything,
even pack-rat-genes-Matt.
Also, Im playing with an analogy in my head that LA is like 7th grade
all over again. Im not sure how (or even if) it fits, but Im
playing with it. If I figure it out, Ill write it down.
Dont hold your breath.
What I really need to do is to take time to go through every thing,
every section of my crap and thin it all out. Unfortunately,
circumstances being what they are, I dont really have time to dedicate
to that task, so I just mostly run around trying to make sure nothing
gets left behind. I know Im going to get to the new place and
open a box or a bag or whatever and say "Geez – why did I pack a dirty,
moist paper towel?" Does that happen to anyone else? Like,
you get to the place and think "why on EARTH did I bring this?"
It happened to me when I got to LA originally (of course, after living
out of a backpack for three months, most things seem perfunctory at
first), and I know its going to happen here. I just hope that I
can alleviate most of that feeling by ruthlessly ridding myself of
stuff now. Kill em all and let god sort em out, if you will.
Sorry this is so long and lame – Im trying hard to stay upbeat about
the whole process and mostly failing. I took this break just so
that I could put into words a lot of my frustrations about this project
and hopefully, by venting about them, let em go. Well see if it
worked as I get back to the grindstone. I really should sleep,
but I think another beer and more packing and organizing is calling my
name.
Also, there are plenty of days when I feel lame and old and this is definitely one of them.
That is all. Happy early St. Patricks Day. R&L come
tomorrow night. Gotta start making a list of shit I need to buy
for the new house. I should post my ToDo list. Its insane.
Okay, that wasnt all, I guess, but now it is, I promise. Good night!
